Eyes wide open

I noticed in the last year or two that when I'm doing something I don't enjoy, mostly housework, that I squint my eyes.  I really can't say whether this is something I have always done or that I only recently realized I was doing it. 

Why do I do this?  I have no idea but I feel that it is a bad habit so I'm trying to force myself to keep my eyes wide open while I'm wiping down the kitchen counter, scrubbing a toilet or mopping the floor.  All of these things I despise, by the way. 

I, honestly, do not know how mothers who work full time do it all while maintaining any sense of sanity.  I really don't.  And I never thought I'd be a stay home mom either.  You see, it was only supposed to be temporary...until Dracen turned a year old, then I'd go back to school and eventually back to work. 

I wanted to be a sonographer/ultrasound tech. or at least I thought I did at the time.  Then, when Darin died in an accident when Dracen was 5 months old, the plan changed.  I didn't think I could handle the stress of school and a full-time job when I had two little ones, grief and a house to care for on my own so I decided to be a full-time mom, at least until the Dracenator started school.  I was very blessed and fortunate to have that option.  

I suddenly became interested in nursing.  I'm not sure who I was trying to kid since I come within a quarter of an inch of passing out cold each time I have my blood drawn.  First, there's a ringing in my ears, then my hearing goes all together and the next thing you know someone whose voice appears faint in the distance is forcing my head between my knees and telling me to take deep breaths.  I would be out the door the first time they made me stick a needle through someone's flesh.  

I met Charlie and married him (2 years ago today, actually!) the summer before the Dracenator started kindergarten.  My BABY was starting school!  What would I do with myself?  Getting a job or going back to school was not calling my name, however.  And, somehow, I found more than enough to do!  

Sometimes though, I still feel that there is something more I should be doing with my time.  One of my biggest fears in life is to one day look back on my life and think that I did not live up to my full potential.  I just haven't heard that "calling" yet though.  I never have and I have always been slightly envious of those who knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what they wanted to be when they grew up at a young age and never once faltered. 

For now though, I will continue to be a book loving, dachshund adoring, decorating obsessed, Jesus worshipping, blogging wife and mom of two boys who struggles to keep her eyes wide open while doing her daily chores.  And maybe, just maybe, will one day hear a distinct calling or even, quite possibly, discover that she's been living it all along...