Pour Your Heart Out: Still, I worry.

Today I'm linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say...

I'm a world class worry wart.  Always have been. It is, without a doubt, my worst habit. 

But the thing is, you wouldn't really know it because I internalize most everything.  I can look calm, cool and collective on the outside but be a total wreck and bundle of nerves on the inside.  

When I was a very young child, (I'm talkin' like 4 or 5) I can recall looking out the window at the tall skinny pine trees behind the house when the wind was blowing  and becoming sick with worry at the sight of those trees swaying.  I don't know why because they weren't close enough to fall on the house.  Maybe I was actually worried about the trees themselves.  Who knows?  The point is, I was worrying over something pointless and not telling anyone...just keeping it all to my little 4 year old self. 

I still have the occasional dream that I show up at high school or college for a test that I am totally unprepared for because I either didn't know about it or forgot about it and I've been out of school for...well, a really long time! 

I've always been introverted but not in a way that I don't like people or being around them.  I actually do like meeting new people, very much, but it takes quite awhile for me to become comfortable around someone and really open up and be myself around them.  What usually ends up happening though, is the person thinks I don't like them since I didn't talk to them very much and I hear from a friend or family member that "so and so" thinks you don't like him/her.  And I'm always stumped and then I worry. 

I worry every time I meet someone new....I hope she doesn't think I didn't like her...I should have said....or.... I worry after I've talked to someone not new!...why didn't I say...?...did that come across the way I wanted it to?  You get the idea.  Worry wart!

I worry the most though about the ones I love, the ones closest to me in the whole world.  My oldest, Devin, (who just turned 11) was the best baby you could hope for, meaning that he slept through the night almost from the very beginning and didn't cry unless he really needed something.  I, though, normally a hard core heavy sleeper, woke up every hour or so just to check to see if he was still breathing.  I even get worried still today when he or Dracen is sleeping really late and find myself doing that same little "mom of a newborn" routine by going in their rooms to check for signs of movement. 

Losing their father and my first husband, Darin, to a very freak accident at the end of 2003, as you can well imagine, did not help with my worrying problem.  I am constantly envisioning horrible things happening to Charlie, one of the boys, another family member, or even myself!

About a month or so before Darin died, we came home from church one day to find a dead bird in the driveway.  We assumed it flew into the glass window of the garage door and broke its neck.  I had Darin take Devin out into the yard and bury it.  I thought about that bird sometime after Darin died and started thinking that maybe that bird was a sign.  Now if ever I find a dead bird, what do I do?  Worry....

I know it's crazy and completely illogical and I pray about it.  A lot.

Lately, I've been worried about my mom.  She is in a lot of pain and has been and is still going through lots of testing but does not have a diagnosis yet. My mom is the most selfless, giving person I have ever known and it's really not just because she is my mom.  It is who she is with everyone she meets.  Being fiercely independent and taking care of the people she loves is just who she is and has always been.  Not being able to do that and having to depend on others to take care of her is hard for her.  I know it is. 

You can imagine how much the world class worry wart in me is worried.  I know the Bible tells us to turn all our worries over to God...

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

I'm still working on that.