Rookie

Back when Devin was little, and I was still a Rookie mom, I read everything about parenting and babies that I could get my hands on.

I subscribed to all the parenting magazines and kept What To Expect The First Year out on the coffee table, reaching for it every time he sneezed, did something new or pooped a funny color to check to see if this was normal and to assure myself that he was progressing just as he should be.

My worrisome nature was magnified by about 300 percent and I became so fixated on the health and well-being of my little bundle of joy that I think I forgot who I was for awhile.  My world was now all about being a Mom.

I showed him the Baby Mozart and Baby Einstein videos, learned all the words to "Hush Little Baby" and the "Brahms'" Lullaby and sang and read him to sleep every night. 

I was determined to be a perfect mom and to raise a perfect, well above average child. 

Ha.

My first setback came along by what I deemed to be a great big Mom Fail in the breastfeeding department.  I had read all the books and took all the parenting classes so I knew "breast was best".  I convinced myself that he would not live up to his full potential if I did not succeed by breastfeeding him for at least one full year.  

I hadn't planned on the intense pain I experienced every single time he latched on or the infection I developed in the first month.  I read and read some more, talked to the lactation specialists on the phone, who assured me it would get better so I kept crying and trying and crying some more. 

Until I couldn't take it anymore.  Five weeks was all I lasted and I felt like the worst mom in the whole world for stopping. But, an amazing thing happened.  He grew and thrived anyway, was always above the 95th percentile in growth at his doctor's appointments and was an easygoing, joyful baby.  

Then, when he was 4 years old, the Dracenator came along and I was a Rookie no more.  I was lucky to get an hour of uninterrupted sleep at a time. For two years!  

This kid never let up.  He wouldn't sit in a car seat, stroller or bouncy seat without bucking up and screaming to get out.  He wouldn't watch Baby Mozart or sit quietly while I read to him. 

Although I was the stay home mom now that I had longed to be, I found myself daydreaming of a job that would give me a break!
The only thing that came easy with him was breastfeeding. Imagine that.  No pain. No bleeding. No infection. 

I was now a successful breastfeeder and it was the only thing that put that little firecracker out for awhile, which is why he was breastfed well into toddlerhood.   

I now scoffed at parenting magazines and "how to be the best parent this side of the Mississippi" books. Mozart, Smozart! 

Please, please, please just BE STILL for ONE MINUTE!...I'll give you a cookie...a new toy?  Here, take my cell phone!  Just CHILL OUT!  Pleeease!  Give me a break!

When he was five months old, I became a widow.

So here I was, battling grief, struggling to keep my head above water all while trying to raise a 4 year old whose world had just crashed down around him and this baby, who although I loved deeply and with every ounce of my being, was testing my patience and sanity on just about every given day. 

Looking back, I don't even know myself how I managed it.  Only by the grace of God, I suppose.  I remember constantly reminding myself that God will never give us more than we can handle though I began to doubt it many, many times. 

I was no longer striving to be the perfect mom I thought I had to be back in my Rookie days.  I now felt it was all I could do to get the three of us through the day, all still in one piece, and with my sanity still in tact.  

Things got easier with time and we all made it through it.  Now when I have a particularly stressful parenting day, I try to remind myself of that time and how this little thing or that little thing is nothing compared to what I have overcome.  

And I am grateful.  

Sometimes now when I see a picture of myself as that Rookie mom I once was, looking so young, fresh-faced and naive,  I smile and remember what it was to be her and thank God that I have become the woman I am today.

A woman who knows that she is never going to be a perfect mother with perfect children.  A woman who knows that things don't always go the way she thinks they should.

A woman who still worries too much but now has the wisdom to know that with a little gumption, a little hard work and a  whole lot of love and prayer, everything will eventually fall into place just as it should and that, no matter what, the sun will keep on rising and setting just as it always has...

This post was inpsired by Mama Kat's writing prompt, "You know you’re a rookie mom when you…" 
And Jenny Matlock's  Alphabe-Thursday...The Letter 'R'.