The Wiener Fever and Reality T.V.

Hello.  My name is Diane and I am a Dachsaholic. 


So we made our second trip to the annual North Carolina Wiener Roast on Saturday and just like last year, I came home with the fever.  You know how some women get baby fever when they're around babies and their uterus starts to ache for another?  


Well I don't get that but I come down with the wiener dog fever about once a quarter, with my worst case coming on after I've attended the wiener roast where I am surrounded by Dachshund lovers with their Dachsies of all shapes, sizes, colors, and personalities.  


I know I could become a foster and help lots of little wieners find their forever homes but I know me and I know how easily and quickly I become attached to those little long dogs so I know I would just end up with a house full of them that I just could not, under any circumstances, part with.  


And then my family and friends would stage an intervention against me and you'd see me on that Animal Planet show, Confessions: Animal Hoarding, where I'd be trying to convince some therapist why I really and truly do need a hundred and twenty one wiener dogs living in my house. 


And Charlie and the boys would be all..."Look!  It's us or the dogs!"  and I'd be all, "Can I sleep on it?"  And that's never good.  


Speaking of freaky reality t.v. shows, I watched one last night that frightened me a little.  I had not planned on it.  It just kinda happened.  No, really. 


You see, I was watching Sister Wives  (because how can anyone not watch a show about a family consisting of one husband, four wives and a hundred and fifty kids?) and it came on right after that and I just could not turn away.  Could not.  It was that whole train wreck syndrome thing.  


Oh, but before I tell you about the freakiest of freak shows, I have to talk about Kody Brown and his wives for just a moment.  Did any of y'all see this last night? 


The family was planning a big move to Vegas because they were all over the top with paranoia about being prosecuted for their polygamous lifestyle after coming out on TLC last year and Janelle (wife number 2 and the wife who seems to me to have the most brains of the four wives) got upset with Kody because she thought they should leave a day earlier than he was planning to leave.  


So he goes over to Christine, wife number 3, and starts whining to her about the argument he just had with Janelle, saying how unreasonable she was being. 


And y'all.  I just about fell out of my chair when he referred to her as "your sister wife".  She says, "No, she's your wife."  And he says, "No, right now she's your sister wife!"  like you would say to your spouse when your kid is being a little tyrant..."Did you see that big A. mess your son just made?!"


I could not believe my ears.  I had to rewind that sucker for an instant replay.  


All I can say is I hope last night wasn't his night to sleep with Janelle because if she watched the airing of that episode then I'm willing to bet Kody Brown was in deep polygamy horse dookie with wife number 2.  


But that was absolutely nothing compared to the freakiness of the show that came on afterwards.  It was about a man who could not get his 600 pound girlfriend fat enough.  He encourages her to stuff her face to her heart's content and is trying to help her reach her goal of 1,000 pounds.  Say what?!


He confessed that he finds nothing sexier or more appealing than rolls and rolls of fat covered in cellulite.  And apparently, he is not the only one because there is actually a term for his fetish.  Feederism.  


If I was a betting woman, I would bet my wiener dogs that  Dr. Phil and Jillian Michaels would give their right arms to get a piece of that crazy train action. 


And I'd tune in to watch. 


But I'd never really hand over my wiener dogs.