My Ten Do's and Don'ts of Airplane Etiquette

I've had a rough morning...just when I thought I was done with the dentist for 6 months, that no good, stinkin' filling popped out AGAIN (for the third flippin' time!) It's a facial filling on my very back bottom molar and when that thing comes out and anything touches it, I want to punch something real hard.  


It happened over the weekend but I put off calling until yesterday afternoon and they told me to be there at 8 this morning.  Super! 


And since it takes a gallon of novocaine or lidocaine or whatever it is they use these days to get me numb, the entire left side of my head feels like a bowling ball, the other side of my tongue is burnt from the caramel mocha I bought on the way home and a rotten wiener dog keeps plopping his head on my laptop demanding pets.

But this show will go on as I bring y'all my Top 10 Do's and Don'ts of Airplane Etiquette for the Writer's Workshop today...


1. While boarding the plane DO move your A$$ as quickly as possible so that everyone else can get on the plane and we can take off as close to "on time" as possible.  


2. DON'T lay your seat all the way back into the lap of the person behind you making it nearly impossible for them to use their tray which will cause them to envision themselves kicking the back of your seat and "accidentally" elbowing you in the top of the head when they get up to strangle you in your sleep.

3. If you are a known snorer (and  you know who you are) DO load up on your Starbucks, NoDoz or whatever it takes to prevent yourself from bringing misery to all the other passengers around you  causing them to envision elbowing you in the top of the head when they get up to strangle you in your sleep.  


4. Men, DON'T pee on the floor in the bathroom.  I understand it's ridiculously small and cramped in there and sometimes there's turbulence and all but for the love of Pete, hold on tight to the wall or sit down if you still can't hit the target.  And if you do tinkle on the floor, CLEAN IT UP!  Put a paper towel down there and wipe it with your foot or open the door and come out into the aisle to clean it...whatever it takes, because nothing disgusts and irritates me much more than stepping in someone else's pee at 35,000 feet!  And I know I'm not alone.


5. DON'T turn up the volume on your iPod so loud that all the passengers around you can hear the blare coming from your head.  Not only is it going to damage your hearing but it is extremely annoying and will cause the passenger nearest you to envision yanking those things off your head and smashing your iPod onto the head of the snoring person who has their seat laid back in their lap.


6. DO move your A$$ as quickly as possible while placing your bag into the overhead compartment.  There's a line of people behind you shooting laser beams out their eyes at the back of your head as you move it and then move it again and then proceed to unzip it and get something out before taking your seat.  


7. DON'T talk so loudly that people 15 rows back can hear every word of your conversation.  Indoor voices only on the airplane, please!


8. DO make sure you are in the right seat.  The numbers and letters are right above the seats.  Look at your ticket before you board, memorize that seat number and don't stop moving 'til you get there.  Nothing is more awkward than coming up on your seats to find people already in them and then having to inform them that they are in the wrong seats.


9. DON'T get drunk or drugged up before you get on the airplane and then proceed to climb all over your boyfriend and display highly inappropriate PDA's!  Been there, seen that and it almost caused me to make use of the barf bag.


10. While de-boarding the plane, DO move your A$$ as quickly as possible and get your bag down without hitting anyone in the top of the head with it... Unless of course that person was doing one of those things I said not to do.