My Sincerest Thanks and Apologies

Dear Bathroom Scales,
As painful as it was to reacquaint myself with you this morning, thank you for that reality check.  You have never been one to sugar coat things and sometimes your tactlessness is intimidating. I am admitting right here and now that I often go out of my way to avoid you but it was really never you.  It was me all along. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and did not deserve to be buried in clothes and shoved underneath my dresser like that.  
I am truly sorry for the disrespectful way in which I've treated you for the past few months and I promise that from here on out, I will give you the attention you truly deserve each and every morning. You have my word.  I needed you more than I led on.  


Sincerely,
THE WOMAN WHO CURSED YOU UNDESERVEDLY




Dear Dryer,
I owe you an apology and you have the bathroom scales to thank for pointing this out to me.  Your reputation has been redeemed and we all are now fully aware that you were never really to blame for my tight pants.  I know I kept saying it was you, that you were getting too hot and shrinking them because there was just no other explanation for it.  


Please forgive me.  I take you for granted so often and forget to thank you for all the hard work you do for me each week and the fact that you save me money on my power bill since you are a high efficiency appliance and all.  Not to mention beautiful, what with your shiny candy apple red paint job. Thank you so much for all that you are and all that you do and please accept this heartfelt apology.


Respectfully,
THE WOMAN WHO USED YOU AS HER SCAPEGOAT




Dear Wardrobe,
Where do I even begin?  I have thrown you, called you names and cursed you with words that would make a sailor blush, stomped on you, kicked you and just flat out treated you like old rags and pieces of trash. I am ashamed and humbled after my date with the bathroom scales this morning who wasted no time at all in showing me the light and pointing out the error of my wicked ways.  


I carefully selected each one of you because I loved the feel and look of your style, color and fabric.  You made me feel beautiful, sexy, special and well...you made me feel like me.  You are in my closet or my drawers because you truly got me.  You understood me. And you, my dear sweet loves, have not changed one bit, have done nothing but remain the same faithful and true pieces of clothing that you were the very day I first cast eyes upon you.  


I am sorry, truly and deeply, from the bottom of my heart.  


Forgive me? Please? 


Still Loving You,   
THE WOMAN WHO WRONGED YOU AND PROMISES TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU SOON




Dear Simple Carbs,
Whew!  You sure know how to show a girl a good time, don't you?  We've always had a love/hate relationship, you and me.  Well, at least since I was fifteen and got my woman body, complete with bubbles and curves.  And even then I could still hang with you pretty often without half as many regrets and repercussions. 


But let's face it, I'm no spring chicken anymore.  I'm going to be forty one in a couple of weeks and we have just got to stop meeting like this.  It's not good for my health, sanity, mind or waistline.  You know it, I know it and the bathroom scales sure as heck know it.  


Look, I'm not saying this is goodbye.  We all know better than that.  I'd go out of my mind and hurt somebody if I couldn't have you in my life at all.  This is just me telling you that we've got to cut back on our time together. Moderation is key and I've got to stop letting you convince me otherwise.  


You will always have a place in my life but we have got to go back to meeting less again.  It's the only way.  And please don't try to seduce me again because it's not going to work this time.  I'm back in tight with the bathroom scales and you know you can't compete with that.  Once my mind is made up, it's a done deal.  


Regretfully,
THE WOMAN WHO WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU A LITTLE TOO MUCH